


because you're wonderful

by NayaKatic



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: F/F, i was emotional and needed to vent, it ends well, it's what we deserve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 21:46:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14090340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NayaKatic/pseuds/NayaKatic
Summary: Inevitably, your eyes land on the piece of paper on your nightstand.This spot reserved for the girlfriend of Sara Lance.When you lay down on the right side of your bed that night, you feel that same longing pull at your heartstrings.It's been three days and you can still faintly smell Ava on the pillow.





	because you're wonderful

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone!  
> it's been a while since i wrote anything and it's my first time writing for avalance so please be gentle with me. I was HURT and SAD after last episode but oddly inspired, so this is what came out of it. a huge thank you to Lottie Mockett who listens to me whine constantly, ur a good human. 
> 
> hope you guys enjoy, lemme know what you think x

 

When Ava's gone, you realize what you've just done and you start second-guessing your decision. It's for the best, you repeat to yourself, Ava deserves someone better. Ava deserves so much and you have nothing to give her except heartache.

 

Still, you feel regret as you look at the empty space where Ava stood only seconds ago.

 

You don't break down. The tears never escape your eyes, you don't let them. You let yourself fall on your bed and you pretend like you didn't purposefully land on Ava's side. Her perfume surrounds you, it's all you can smell and you can feel it reach deep inside you. You feel a pull in your chest, a longing so strong it surprises you. As your hand sneaks underneath the pillow, your fingers brush against a piece of paper. You frown, confused, and open to see what's written inside. 

 

_This spot reserved for the girlfriend of Sara Lance._

 

You let out a breath upon reading Ava's elegant handwriting. You look up at your reflection in the mirror next to your bed and fold the piece of paper. You get up and stare at the empty space Ava left in your room because you asked her to. Your jaw sets and you leave your room.

 

You don't know where you're going. It's not like you can just call Ava up and take it all back. Even if that's what the biggest part of you wants to do. Instead, you listen to the smaller part, the one you think is right, the one telling you, you made the right decision.

 

When dinner time rolls around, you easily lie to your team telling them you have a headache. They understand and you eat alone in the jumpship, staring at the piece of paper instead of the screen that showed Ava's face countless times before.

 

Those private conversations seem so distant when it's barely been weeks since you called Ava with flimsy excuses just to talk. It's not like you had needed to make up reasons to call Ava lately. You just called, and she answered.

 

When you go to bed that night, you sleep on the right side of the bed.

 

The pillow still smells like Ava.

  
  


In the following days, the team slowly figures out that something happened between you and Ava. You don't know how, but you suspect Gideon might've had something to do with it. Almost everything goes back to normal. Except that your team still walks on eggshells around you, not only because of the breakup but because of the whole Death Totem debacle. You don't talk about it because you wouldn't be the Legends if you didn't repress your feelings a little bit.

 

When you enter a room, instead of asking you where _Mrs. Captain_ is, they look at you with sad eyes, even though they try to hide it. They haven't asked you about it though. None of them have directly mentioned it. That is until Zari finds you eating your breakfast alone one morning and stands beside you.

 

"So, how are you feeling?"

 

Your mind flashes to the note you stared at for a good thirty minutes after waking up this morning. You know each stroke by heart at this point.

 

You shrug, "I'm good."

 

"Really?" you can tell by her raised eyebrow that she doesn't believe you one bit. You shrug again because what else are you supposed to say?

 

You feel more than you see Zari looking over at you, until she takes a deep breath, and talks again, "Hey, so, it's none of my business, but what the hell happened with Ava?" you stare at your oatmeal harder, Zari’s voice lowers, "I mean, you guys seemed to be… I don't know, really happy or whatever."

 

You really don't want to talk about it, or even think about it. But, maybe because you know Zari only means well or maybe because you don't really know what happened either,  the words tumble out of your mouth anyway, "I've never been this happy."

 

Zari looks at you surprised to have gotten an answer, no doubt. You close your eyes and pinch the bridge of your nose as you let out a long breath. You really don't want to cry in front of her.

 

"It's just… What that totem made me, it's who I am, deep down," you open your eyes to see Zari's soften, "and Ava? She deserves better than that."

 

Zari shakes her head. She looks disappointed and weirdly, you kind of feel like a scolded child.

 

"You and Ava? You deserve each other," you're about to respond, but Zari doesn't let you, "you made each other happy. That's what you both deserve."

 

She gives you one last look and saunters out of the kitchen with her bowl of fruit. You watch her leave. You look down at your own breakfast and it suddenly doesn't look as appetizing.

 

You don't let yourself feel too much. You're still a Captain and your team still needs you. Time cracks still need to be fixed and Mallus still needs to be defeated. So you select anachronisms, divide your team into groups, and send them off with slightly less _pizazz_ than usual, but they seem content enough.

 

You're headed to 19th century France with Wally to deal with a simple anachronism. It's easy, get in and get out. Maybe it's too easy and that's why your mind wanders off.

 

You can't help but wonder what would happen if you were to mess it up.

 

Would the Time Bureau intervene? Would Ava call you to lecture you? She probably wouldn't. She's the director now, she has bigger fish to fry. That, and you're probably the last person she wants to see right now.

 

You don't mess up the mission. Still, the temptation is there.

 

You get back to the Waverider, tired. You get together with the rest of the Legends to debrief and you feel proud that you all managed to fix the anachronisms without any major screw-ups.

 

Back in your room, you change out of your clothes into your nightwear. Inevitably, your eyes land on the piece of paper on your nightstand.

 

_This spot reserved for the girlfriend of Sara Lance._

 

When you lay down on the right side of your bed that night, you feel that same longing pull at your heartstrings.

 

It's been three days and you can still faintly smell Ava on the pillow.

  
  


You wake up in the middle of the night, gasping.

 

You're disoriented for a bit, confused about your surroundings. You feel your heart beating against your ribcage and it takes you a few minutes to get your breathing under control.

 

You look over at the empty space on your bed and your chest feels cold.

 

If you put your hand on it and close your eyes hard enough, you can almost feel her.

 

You turn your head to bury it on her pillow.

 

You barely find any traces of Ava.

  
  


Staring at the note for too long has become a habit.

 

It's the first thing you see when you wake up, and the last when you go to sleep. You've stared at it so long, you know every curve by heart. You start to see the care behind each letter, the attention with which the small message was written. You find the pen she used on your desk. It's an old pen you're pretty sure you never used. You find a small stack of paper still next to it. Your chair is slightly pushed back and you know it was her, another space left empty.

 

You sit on the chair and stare at the door of your room, now closed. You stare at the space she stood at before leaving.

 

You stare at the empty space.

 

You stare at the note on your nightstand.

 

You groan and get up, walk over your nightstand and take the note in your hands. You read it again like you don't already know every word, every letter, every brush of the pen.

 

_This spot reserved for the girlfriend of Sara Lance._

 

You think about crumpling it and throwing it away. If it's out of sight, maybe it'll eventually get out of your mind. Maybe you'd stop thinking about her every second of every damn day. Maybe you'd stop questioning whether or not you'd taken the right decision because the more time passes, the less sure you are.

 

In the end, you open a drawer and put the letter inside.

 

You just need it out of your sight.

 

Breaking things off before they got too serious was for the best.

 

The pillow doesn't smell like her anymore, and you can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing.

  
  


You see her again.

 

Of course you do. She wants to defeat Mallus just as much as you do, your paths were meant to cross again, at some point. You just didn't expect it to go like this.

 

Because you see her. Except it's not only her but countless versions of her.

 

It's confusing and you can tell it's not only confusing to you. You can see the shock on her face as you stare at an army of… clones.

 

There isn't really any time for small talk when you're faced with an army of your _ex-girlfriend's_ evil clones. It's not awkward because you have bigger things to do than waste time being awkward, bigger things to figure out.

 

When a fight inevitably breaks out, you both fight with each other like nothing has happened. You fight like you did the first time against Caesar's army, like you did against the Vikings, and against the pirates. You move seamlessly around each other, barely needing to look to know what the other's next move is going to be.

 

You make it out, in the end, and you all end up on the Waverider. You've just left Gary in the medbay (poor guy had a panic attack) when you notice a figure you know all too well standing in your office. You look around you, debating whether or not you should go up to her. You take silent steps towards her.

 

"Hey," she startles and whirls around to look at you with wide eyes. She nods at you and turns back again to face the screen. That's when you notice it, the file she's staring at so intently.

 

345Z.

 

You don't know if you should approach her. Your body is screaming at you to get closer to her, but your mind is putting up a good fight, asking for distance. You want to ask her how she is, what's on her mind, but you don't know if you're allowed to.

 

Instead, you settle on, "Gary is feeling better. He should be able to leave soon."

 

She nods and you see a flash of something pass through her eyes. You don't understand what it is until you hear how hard her voice sounds.

 

"Right. We'll be out of your hair as soon as possible, don't worry about it."

 

Anger.

 

You're taken aback because this reminds you of the first exchanges you'd had with Agent Sharpe. When she was all business, tight buns and heated glares. You realize she got a completely different message than the one you were trying to convey which, admittedly, was that you didn't know what to say.

 

She thinks you want her to leave. You don't.

 

You really don't want Ava to leave.

 

"Aves, that's not-"

 

"No, you don't get to call me 'Aves'."

 

You nod because even if it hurts, she's right. You lost any and all nickname privileges more than a week ago. You take a step back, and it's like the distance growing between the two of you snaps Ava out of her anger. You watch the tension leave her shoulders, and suddenly she's just slumped against the table, rigidity completely gone. She rubs her neck with her left hand and sighs.

 

"I'm sorry," you frown at her words because if one of you should be apologizing, it should be you, "I didn't mean to snap at you, I just… It's been a long, very confusing day."

 

You nod and take a step forward, "how do you feel?" when she looks at you, you add, "about all this," gesturing to the file on the screen to clarify.

 

She looks at you for a while longer and you almost break the stare. Finally, she brings her attention back to the screen.

 

"It's a lot to take in."

 

You can't help but snort because that's the understatement of the century. You see Ava smile out of the corner of your eye, and a little tension leaves your own shoulders. You step forward a little more until you're next to her, against the table, only releasing a breath when Ava doesn't pull away.

 

You cross your arms and clear your throat to get her attention back on you.

 

"I'm the one who's sorry," you want to look at her but you can't because if you do, you might not manage to get the words out, "Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do, but I just-"

 

"You did what you thought was right," Ava stands away from the table and gives you a tight-lipped smile, "doesn't mean it hurts any less."

 

The space she left empty next to you feels cold.

 

"I'm sorry" is the only reply you can come up with. Ava looks down, then up, anywhere but you.

 

"I'm going to go get Gary."

 

You don't say anything else to each other. She leaves the room and you don't watch her as she goes.

 

You end up regretting it, like last time.

 

Later, when you're alone in your room, you open the drawer and take the note out of it.

 

You don't deserve Ava, but maybe one day, you could.

  
  


There's death inside of you.

 

You've killed and you've been killed, twice.It only makes sense that there'd be something dark and twisted inside of you.

 

Darkness surrounds you, it's everywhere you go. You remember words you had spoken years ago to Oliver. How he deserved to find someone who'd bring him light. You start to wonder if maybe Ava was your light.

 

What you told her was true, you had never been that happy before.

 

Ava made you feel like anything was possible like maybe you deserve forgiveness and a second chance.

 

Ava made everything look bright and beautiful, even your own reflection.

 

It's the middle of the night, and you can't sleep.

 

The pillowcase isn't the same and you miss her.

  
  


You mess up.

 

You're on a mission, and everything is going according to plan until it isn't. You don't know for sure what happened, but you blow your cover and you're forced to retreat. When you get back to the Waverider with your team, Gideon helpfully informs you that the level 3 anachronism has escalated to a level 8.

 

This is not good.

 

You have to think fast, you need a new plan. You're brainstorming, bouncing ideas off of each other, but you don't get far when the unmistakable sound of a portal opening interrupts you.

 

"Well, you've outdone yourselves this time, Legends."

 

It goes from _not good_ to _very bad_ when you turn around to see the fury on Ava's face as she steps on the ship. You hear your team mumble excuses and scattering out of the room as fast as they possibly can, almost falling over each other in their haste.

 

(Except Zari who has to be pushed out of the room by Amaya.)

 

She ignores all of them.

 

"I don't think I need to explain to you how important it is to _fix_ anachronisms and not make them worse, do I, Captain Lance?"

 

The formality with which she uses your title makes you frown. Gone are the soft edges of her voice.

 

"It was an accident, Ava."

 

"We don't have time for _accidents_. Mallus is gaining power with each new anachronism, we can't afford to make mistakes."

 

"I know," you almost roll your eyes, "you think we messed up on purpose? I know how time sensitive this is," you feel your voice rising and you want to stop it, but you can't, you're stressed and taking it out on the first person to get on your nerves, "that's why my team and I were coming up with a plan before you interrupted us."

 

Ava takes a step towards you and scoffs.

 

"If you think I'm letting the Legends go back out there, you're mistaken. The Bureau will handle this."

 

Your eyes go wide and you can't believe what she just said. Even with everything that happened, you thought Ava still trusted the Legends enough to fix their own mess. This was their first slip up in weeks. Ava was being unfair, and it was pissing you off. She can be angry at you, she has every right to, but the team has nothing to do with it.

 

"You're being unfair, _Director Sharpe_. The Legends can handle this, okay?"

 

"No, not okay. We don't need any more _accidents_."

 

This time you do roll your eyes.

 

"We were trying to do the right thing!"

 

"Were you?"

 

Her voice is several octaves too high. Director Sharpe is suddenly gone and you're face to face with Ava. She's looking at you just like she was looking at you after your date, after you stood her up before you kissed for the first time. She's angry and she's hurt, her eyes are wide and open, and it's like you can see everything that's going on inside of her head.

 

You don't know what to say because you're not talking about the Legends anymore and you're not sure you can talk to Ava about… well, _this_. Not now anyway, when you're this tense and on edge because of your failed mission.

 

Because you did the right thing. Letting go of Ava was the right thing to do, but the more you repeat it to yourself, the less you believe it.

 

You miss Ava. You miss the soft side of her, the Ava that would brush your hair out of your face and kiss you good night. You miss making her laugh or giggle with embarrassment. You miss her awkwardness around the team on morning afters, and you miss her groaning whenever someone (mostly Gideon or Gary) interrupted your time together.

 

You miss her moaning in the dark of night. You miss her raspy voice in the morning.

 

How could the right thing hurt so much?

 

"Ava, please," you beg her. You're about to undo everything and you can't. You can't let Ava in because once she sees who you truly are, she's going to leave and that's going to hurt even more.

 

But you really, _really_ want to let the light in.

 

You feel your lip quiver and you think Ava sees it because she deflates.

 

"Please, let the Bureau handle this one," Ava's eyes are pleading, "let me help you."

 

“We don’t need help, we have it under control,” but it doesn't feel that way when you hear how shaky your voice sounds.

 

“Do you really?” her words are laced with worry and you realize that she’s not only asking about the mission but about _you_ too.

 

Anachronisms make Mallus stronger, and whether you like it or not, you’re still connected to him, to his power. Ava isn’t only checking up on the mission, she’s checking up on you.

 

"I'm fine, you don't need to worry."

 

You try to regain some kind of composure, harden your voice, but it doesn't work and you can see Ava's patience wearing thin. She crosses her arms and looks straight at you. You see the battle going on inside her head before she nods, more to herself than to you.

 

"Very well, you can try and fix this mess," you're about to thank her when she interrupts you, "but I expect a report at the end of the day."

 

"Of course."

 

She doesn't say another word before leaving and barely looks at you. She activates her time courier and as the portal opens you can see part of what you suppose is Ava's office. She steps inside and she's gone in seconds.

 

Later in the day, you call the Time Bureau to let them know how everything went. You expect to see Ava's face on the screen but you're greeted by Gary's awkward, somewhat fearful, smile.

 

You try to not let your disappointment show.

  
  


You wake up with a gasp from another Mallus induced nightmare.

 

This time, you already know the right side of the bed is empty.

  
  


You’re in your office, sitting in a chair in the corner, a glass of whiskey in your right hand. You let it rest on the armchair, careful to not let it fall, as you stare at the note you’re holding with your other hand.

 

You've started carrying it with you, around the Waverider and on missions. It’s always in one of your pockets, neatly folded. It’s not like you spend hours of your day staring at it, but you like the weight of it in your pocket. You like feeling its shape in your breast pocket, closest to your heart.

 

That was Ava’s spot too.

 

Because no matter how much you want it, you can’t get her out of your head. The memories of how happy she made you keep on replaying behind your eyelids and inside your chest. You can’t stop missing her. You could try moving on, get under someone to get over Ava, but just thinking about it doesn’t feel right.

 

So instead, you stare at the note, reading the same words for the thousandth time and wondering if maybe breaking things off with Ava wasn’t the right thing.

 

Maybe Zari was right and you deserved each other.

 

That doesn’t feel true though. Ava deserves so much better, she deserves someone who’s just as wonderful as she is, not someone as damaged as you are.

 

When you think about it, no one deserves to be stuck with you. No one deserves to be stuck with someone who has death inside of herself.

 

Yet, Ava had been willing to stay.

 

Willing to be your _girlfriend._

 

You go to bring the glass back to your lips but your grasp weakens for a second and the glass falls on the ground. It doesn’t break but the liquid spills everywhere and you sigh.

 

Maybe you deserve each other.

  
  


You’re pacing in your room, trying to build the courage to do something about whatever it is that you’re feeling when Gideon interrupts you.

 

“Director Sharpe has boarded the ship, Captain.”

 

You stop pacing and look at your door in worry.

 

“Is she okay?” because you don’t see any reason for Ava to come on board the Waverider if something wasn’t terribly wrong.

 

“She seems physically fine. She appears to be looking for you.”

 

You’re about to ask Gideon where she is exactly when another voice interrupts you.

 

“Sara? Sara, open up!”

 

You look at your door where Ava is knocking- or well, more like slamming her hand against it. You don’t think twice before opening it. Ava doesn’t lose a second before barging in.

 

“Is everything okay?” you ask, worried when you take in Ava’s appearance. She doesn’t look bad, she never does, but she does look disheveled. Her shirt is untucked, strands of hair escaped her tight bun, her eyes are red and tired.

 

She points a finger at you and you’re suddenly reminded of the time you saved Ava from a giant saber tooth tiger and how mad she had been about that mess of a mission.

 

“I don’t understand you!” she starts pacing in a similar manner you were moments before she arrived, “I mean I’ve tried! Really, I tried to understand why you would… I mean why you’d call me your girlfriend one minute and then dump me the next.”

 

Oh. So they were having this conversation now.

 

“Ava, that’s not-“

 

“No, I need to get this out,” she looks at you with pleading eyes and you see the unshed tears there, “I need to get this out,” she says it to herself this time and you understand that she's just as nervous as you feel. So you nod and wait for her to talk.

 

“I mean I get it, what happened that day…” she lets memories of Mallus fill the silence, “I can’t imagine what that’s like. I can’t, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try because I want to help you.”

 

Her eyes won’t leave you and you’ve never seen anyone so determined.

 

“You were right,” that gives you pause, because even when you were- _whatever_ you were, Ava never said you were right about anything ever, “when you said I should care about your past. You were right because it’s part of what makes you who you are. And I really like who you are.”

 

Her voice is so soft, so vulnerable, so _open_ you can feel it reach your heart and wash over your whole body.

 

“And I shouldn’t have just left, I should’ve argued harder with you, fought harder for you because, Sara, god, you…” she throws her hands up before reaching forward with her hands to touch your cheeks, “you deserve this. You deserve to be happy, Sara. Please.”

 

You can feel the burn behind your eyes. You try looking down because Ava's hopeful, pleading eyes are too much for you, but the hold she has on you doesn't let you.

 

You laugh.

 

You don’t expect it but you let out a chuckle and you can feel Ava tense in front of you. So you talk because you don’t want her to get the wrong idea.

 

“I was about to call you.”

 

Ava takes a step back and her hands fall to your shoulders.

 

“What?”

 

“I was going to ask Gideon to call you.”

 

“You were? Why?”

 

You shrug like it’s simple, “I missed you.”

 

“You did?”

 

You’ve never seen Ava look so confused.

 

“What is it with all the questions?”

 

You watch her gape at you, opening and closing her mouth, but no words come out.

 

“I’m sorry, I was just expecting you to put up a fight.”

 

You tilt your face like maybe you’re considering fighting Ava on this. She looks at you screaming _don’t you dare_ with her eyes and all you can do is shake your head and laugh again. Truth is, you’re tired of fighting against your own feelings.

 

When you look back up at Ava, she’s smiling, but that doesn’t stop her next words from biting.

 

“You were a real jerk.”

 

You sigh and nod.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I get it.”

 

“Do you?”

 

Ava’s nose scrunches up and she shakes her head, “no, not really.”

 

You don’t say anything and just bask in the moment. Ava’s hands are still on your shoulders, her right thumb caressing the side of your neck. It’s been weeks since you’ve stood so close to her and you’re overwhelmed by how _Ava_ takes over all of your senses.

 

All you can feel are Ava’s hands and her breath gently hitting your face. When you reach for her, all you can touch is the polyblend covering her waist. All you can smell is what’s been missing from your pillow, something that is just Ava. Your eyes keep looking down at her lips. You can hear her shaky breath when you take a step closer.

 

All you’re missing is her taste.

 

So you look into her eyes once, and when you see them look down at your lips, you don’t hesitate.

 

You kiss her and you can’t help but let out a little sigh at how right this feels. You feel Ava’s hands sneak behind your neck and tighten their hold there like she’s afraid you’ll step away too soon. You bring her closer with hands on her back just as she opens her mouth and you let yourself get completely lost.

  
  


Hours later, you reach inside the pocket of your jacket for the piece of paper you’ve been carrying around for days.

 

You place it where you’d first found it, under Ava’s pillow, while you wait for her to come back.

 

When she returns to your room, only wearing her dress shirt with half of the buttons undone, you wait for her to come lay next to you again.

 

“You know, I still don’t understand how you all live with only one bathroom.”

 

She kisses you softly as she joins you in the bed.

 

“Don’t lie to yourself, you’ve missed sneaking around the Waverider half naked just to pee.”

 

Ava snorts as she lets her hands sneak under her pillow, trying to get comfortable. She frowns and you have to bite your lip as you wait for her reaction.

 

She takes the piece of paper out of its hiding spot and unfolds it to read what's inside.

 

_This spot reserved for the girlfriend of Sara Lance._

 

She looks at you quizzically when she recognizes it, but you can see her fighting a grin. All you can do is shrug.

 

“The spot is yours, Ava Sharpe. Has been for a while.”


End file.
